My marriage
Like I mention in my profile over there - my kids are the center of my life these days. There is a husband in the picture, but with the issues going on with him & I these days it seems easier for me to put him out of mind. I think it is time (and fair to he and I) that I put him first and see where we are heading.
A little background... we have been married for 15 years (last September) and we knew each other in high school, but didn't start to date until we worked together at a liquor store (where he still works and now is the manager.) He has been a drinker for as long as I have known him (his parents drink, and his Dad drank a lot when he was in the working world.)
So I guess I "knew" what I was getting into when we got together. Hell, I drink and have been drinking more lately which is one of the reasons I came back to NS to lose some of this "wine weight." So I have been trying to cut back on the weekly drinking, alas he hasn't.
He used to be a happy, funny guy when he drank, now he isn't. He becomes a loud, angry drunk when he really gets into it . And I don't like him when he is drinking alone. I have figured out that I have become his enabler - his drinking buddy - so it is even more obvious to me when I am trying to cut back the wine and when he just keeps pouring the beer down his throat.
I don't want anything to do with him when he has been drinking alone. I have told him so. I don't want to talk to him, have dinner with him, and especially sleep with him. That part really pisses him off. And since he tends to drink nightly, we have only been having sex about 1 to 2 times a month - the rest of the time I let him pass out on the couch or come to bed once he has started to snore.
There have been really bad episodes over the past holiday season that I almost left - like really walked out - but something just makes me not. I will not leave my boys and he uses that as the same reason that he won't leave. Then when he sobers up and is dealing with the post-alcohol body reactions the next day he always apologizes and tells me how much he loves me. I am just getting tired of it.
Even when he is sober I don't want to have sex. He has said things that have hurt me so much that I don't want him even touching me. Why should I bring pleasure to a man that has hurt me in such a way?
If I was reading this on someone else's blog I would just say - wake up girl! - he isn't going to change - just get out. But now that I am here I know that every situation is different and you don't know what it is about until you are in it.
He has told me point blank that he will not stop drinking. He has "cut back" to just beer - over the holidays he was doing scotch and vodka, but he claims it is only beer in the house now. I think he has some harder stuff stashed in the basement because he goes down there and isn't the same when he comes back upstairs.
He also said that if he "keeps busy" he will drink less. That seemed to work over the last two weekends, but not this one. Yesterday afternoon he was "busy" with putting up a new storm door on the back door of the house and even took the cover off the pool. But when I went outside to help with the cover I could tell (and I saw the empty bottles) that he had been drinking the entire afternoon. I tried helping a little, but walked away after I witnessed some of his actions. It also explains why the storm door doesn't close right. He tried it this morning and said he would fix it.
So he stated last night that we are down to one common thing - we both love our boys - and other than that our relationship is dead. Now - a few months ago I would have cried my eyes out when this was said, but last night I just agreed and rolled over and went to sleep - guess it was an agreement.
But then this morning he told me he loves me more than the beer and doesn't know how to stop. I just looked at him and told him to figure out a way because we are going nowhere.
I know my blog doesn't get the traffic it used to anymore, but if you have made it to this point - thank you for reading and I appreciate any feedback you have.
Posted in: on Monday, March 31, 2008 at at 1:44 PM
Oh, I so wish I couldn't relate to this post, but I can. I totally agree with you that each situation is different, particularly when kids are involved. But let me just say that my ex had similar behaviors, and it was miserable.
All I can say is keep your needs and your kids needs in mind while you deal with this issue, and hopefully you will come to a conclusion, either together or separately, that will be best for everyone. And keep focusing on the weight loss that you know will make you feel good. It will help you keep your head on straight when you are feeling down.
I have no great words of wisdom on this subject either! I have been there but it was a boyfriend not a husband and there weren't any kids involved...so much easier to walk away when you finally get to the point of the tears drying up and enough being enough!
I guess my worry for you would be the lessons he is teaching your boys without really meaning or wanting to! I think that has to be your top priority, yes you love him and yes they love him but will they learn to follow in his footsteps if they think this is how men/fathers act? I think sometimes you do need to pack your bags and leave before they figure out you are done with the crap (before they figure out its bad enough...and go get help). I don't think it has to mean divorce but he has really hurt you and he needs to know it is going to really take time, hardwork, and no drinking to repair it!!
Ha and I thought I didn't have anything to say.